Keyboard Warrior

Keyboard warrior,

On the plains of the Internet.

Stride forth, brave soul.

Keyboard warrior,

With a pain that you can't forget.

Your words shine like gold.

Take my handle

Guide me by the light of your candle

Through the darkest thread

I follow The Warrior's tread.

Keyboard Warrior!
Figure with a thousand names.

Keyboard Warrior!
Walking through the flames.

Keyboard Warrior!
Is born and dies every day.

Keyboard Warrior!
Your belief will fly you far away!

Keyboard warrior

Protects the innocent:
You are my shield.
Keyboard warror,

Your ultimatum has been sent,

and the foe gallops through the field.

Don your mail

Give them hell!
And with every post

You strike at the heart of the host.

Keyboard Warrior!
Figure with a thousand names.

Keyboard Warrior!
Walking through the flames.

Keyboard Warrior!
Is born and dies every day.

Keyboard Warrior!
Your belief will fly you far away!

And if my soul

Should fall beside you

Will you find someone to blame?
But if my soul

Should fall within you

Will you spread word of my shame?
Of my sordid name?

Well, take aim:
The foe comes to maim!

Keyboard Warrior!
Figure with a thousand names.

Keyboard Warrior!
Walking through the flames.

Keyboard Warrior!
Is born and dies every day.

Keyboard Warrior!
Your belief will fly you far away!

A Ballad For Clunge

Oh ladies, why won't you show me,
Show me, oh why why why why!
Perhaps a ballad could persuade your kind,
And my voice; warm, Scottish, and niiiiice.

Lady, I'm highly desirable;
I'm clean-shaven and tall,
I sing for you with all I'm able
It is for you that I bawl.

Lady, I write what is true:
I am no fan of grunge.
I sing about something close to you, yes,
All my songs are about clunge.

So why won't you show me,
Show me, oh me,
Show me your clunge later on.
Show me your clunge, show me your clunge,
So I may eat it like a blancmange.

Lady, I'm a poet; deeply serious,
Unlike those of dubious merit,
You can tell by my carefully chosen rhymes, plus,
the style of my beret.

Lady, I'm a singer/songwriter,
And so I must spray you with cum,
Doing so oils my faculties,
Just like lube in your bum.

So why won't you show me,
Show me, why me,
Why me, show me, why why why why?
Clunge, show me clunge,
Clunge clunge clunge clunge.
Why won't you show me your clunge
Lady, why?

ODE FOR A COUNCIL SEAT

Oh, if I were elected,

the environment would be respected

with a focus on flood defences;

we'd fill sandbags digging trenches

in a sustainable manner

in accordance with the policies of our ministerial planners.

Oh, if I win this seat,

I will put more constables on the beat:

they will be freed from their desk jobs

to tackle the drunken yobs,

and protect the responsible majority from the danger

posed by the small number of people who participate in anti-social behaviour.

Oh, I stand as a candidate,
to campaign against sectarian hate,

and to fight for equality in the workplace,

whatever your gender, disability, or race.
For the past ten years I have been a shop steward

serving the interests of ordinary people when those in senior positions have erred.

A vote for Johnny Morrice

is a vote for our community's progress.

P.S. Doug Thomson, who stood for the Hilton/Stockethill Council seat in the 2012 Council Elections, actually writes poetry on the subject of his political policies. Sorry about the poem Doug.  You have a deeply philosophical view of local political issues, but nonetheless you are hilarious.

ZEN

The failure of pop philosophy to engage with problems facing some real people.

ZEN

Embraced, as one,
a meek self-loathing.
Still never come
amid driven down clothing.

Bending yet still;
still tonguing your Zen.
Stroking the drill
amid driven, drunk, young men.

Nocturne solemn.
Watched sparks on asphalt:
zapping coulombs,
amid driven spray and salt.

Endless squalor;
precipitous ridge.
Phobic, and poor,
amid driven carriages.

Reincarnate:
sweet old madrigal,
send me a fate
amid driven animals.

Wetware

I wrote this for a friend a long while ago!

[CHORUS:]
I'm gonna short circuit, my wires crossed,
I've been disconnected, my memories have been lost.
Don't wanna wait for Masamune's solid state shell.
Just pass me that fucking scalpel, I'll do it all by myself.

Society is a charade,
it's our parade of the laws we've made
and the souls we've saved.

I augment my cranium so I can feel.
I got neodymiums and modules of steel.
Though my flesh may be torn, or my senses depressed,
I'm implanted babylon!

[CHORUS]

My world became a maze of metal plates
and logic gates and opiates.

I insert an armature of silicon di,
so I can know my temperature when I'm high.
I despise the sanctified, faith and pride.
You're beings of meat, brains, bone and hide.

[CHORUS]

Flattery

This is a song I wrote a while ago.  Should be recording it soon with my band.  Hooray!  It's malicious because it is written about several people, blurred together to hide their identities.

I don't want to seduce you
I want to play in your band.
One moment of intense emotion,
I literally fucked up the chance.

Her tattoo is a gift,
I am flattered by it.
Inked on some maddened night.
Our relationship is
meaningless and shit,
wrecked by being fucked all the time.

There is art beneath her skin
I think I'm inside.
Now you won't be friends or kiss
You just want fucked in the mind.

I am a cliché:
I realised I'm gay;
I'm tortured and tall and stuff.
Please distract me,
as much pain as you please.
Please could you destroy my trust?

I like someone warped.
Getting kicks from licking a corpse.
You lovely people
are so happy yeah
You are so beautiful
You aren't my type
You are so lovely
You tasted so good that night