My Dick Is Stuck In This Pineapple!

My Dick Is Stuck In This Pineapple!

By Paul Crowe and John Morrice

Hello boys and girls! This is a story about how God can affect our lives in the strangest ways.

Once there was a boy called Percival who had a boil on the end of his dick.

It made him miserable.

First he tried putting on lotion, but that didn't work.

Next he went to the doctor, who said, “Why don't you try putting on lotion?” Percival said he had, but the doctor didn't believe him, and sent him off with a scolding in his ears.

So off he went, feeling very sad. However, on his way home, he passed a fortune teller's shop. An old wise woman sat outside and when she saw Percival looking sad, she beckoned him closer.

“Why so sad, little boy? Has a girl run away with your heart?” she croaked.

“No”, said Percival.

“Have your mother and father told you off for being naughty?”

“No”, said Percival. Then a gleam came into the old woman's eye.

“There is only one other thing that could make you so sad. You must have a boil on your dick!”

“Yes I have” said Percival, wincing in pain. “I don't know what to do.”

“Come with me, little boy, and I will give you something to cure your boil,” she said.

Percival followed her into the shop and gasped with amazement. The old wise woman's shop was filled with strange and wonderful things.

He saw a wasp stirring a cauldron.

He saw another wasp building a boat.

He saw a stick that knew how to smile.

He saw an electric chair.

He saw a man with tracing paper for skin.

He saw a horse fucking a ghost.

He saw three divers trapped in a fishtank.

He saw one million magic tangerines compressed in a barrel.

And he was impressed.

“Over here, little boy”, said the old wise woman, and beckoned him towards a towering fruit bowl. “Take this pineapple and stick your dick in it, for only this can cure your boil.”

Percival grabbed the pineapple and skipped gaily all the way home. Once there, he raised the pineapple above his head and brought it hurtling down on the boil. “Pop” went the pineapple. Almost at once, the pain from the boil faded, but when he tried to remove the pineapple, he found it was stuck.

“Help”, said Percival, “My dick is stuck in this pineapple!”

“How the fuck did that happen?” said Percival's father, charging into the bathroom. Percival's father pulled with all his might, but the pineapple would not move.

“I have an idea” said Percival's mother. She took some twine from under the sink and tied one end around the pineapple, then they tied the other end to the handle of the bathroom door. But no matter how much they slammed the door, the pineapple wouldn't budge.

“I'm going to call the fire brigade!” said Percival's mother. When the firemen arrived they measured the pineapple front to back and round and round. Once they had assessed the situation they said “There's no other way. We'll have to cut it off, and your dick too!”

Percival was very sad, but his mother promised to buy him a lolly, so feeling very brave he told the firemen it was okay.

The firemen took their big cutting tool out of their fire engine and placed it against Perical's

pineapple. But when they turned it on, the cutter began to smoke and whine, and no matter how hard they pressed it against the pineapple, it would not cut.

The firemen scratched their heads and wondered, until they got a call about a fire and had to leave poor Percival's dick stuck inside the pineapple.

Next Percival's father said “I'm going to call the army!” who arrived in a great big tank.

“Don't worry!” shouted the general. “There's nothing that can withstand our bombs. So they attached a big explosive to Percival's pineapple. “Kaboom!” went the bomb as it exploded. But when the smoke cleared, although Percival's face was all black and his clothes torn up, the pineapple was still there.

Seeing it was no use, Percival's mother began to cry. “How can we send Percival to school with a pineapple stuck on his dick?”

“Well honey”, Percival's father said, “All we can do now is put our faith in God that Percival's pineapple will some day be removed.”

“Let us pray!” cried Percival's mother. And so Percival, and his mother and father, and all the soldiers in their tank began to pray. God heard them and soon an angel appeared, who said:

“If you have something on your dick and you try to get it off by putting something else on your dick, you will be damned. But if you put your faith in God, you will be saved.” And just like that the pineapple slid off Percival's dick.

And so children, God speaks to us in many ways, even through genital boils. What Percival learned was that when a woman asks you to penetrate her fruit, it goes against God's will, and you should be content with your painfully throbbing dick.