My
Dick Is Stuck In This Pineapple!
By
Paul Crowe and John Morrice
Hello
boys and girls! This is a story about how God can affect our lives
in the strangest ways.
Once
there was a boy called Percival who had a boil on the end of his
dick.
It
made him miserable.
First
he tried putting on lotion, but that didn't work.
Next
he went to the doctor, who said, “Why don't you try putting on
lotion?” Percival said he had, but the doctor didn't believe him,
and sent him off with a scolding in his ears.
So
off he went, feeling very sad. However, on his way home, he passed a
fortune teller's shop. An old wise woman sat outside and when she
saw Percival looking sad, she beckoned him closer.
“Why
so sad, little boy? Has a girl run away with your heart?” she
croaked.
“No”,
said Percival.
“Have
your mother and father told you off for being naughty?”
“No”,
said Percival. Then a gleam came into the old woman's eye.
“There
is only one other thing that could make you so sad. You must have a
boil on your dick!”
“Yes
I have” said Percival, wincing in pain. “I don't know what to
do.”
“Come
with me, little boy, and I will give you something to cure your
boil,” she said.
Percival
followed her into the shop and gasped with amazement. The old wise
woman's shop was filled with strange and wonderful things.
He
saw a wasp stirring a cauldron.
He
saw another wasp building a boat.
He
saw a stick that knew how to smile.
He
saw an electric chair.
He
saw a man with tracing paper for skin.
He
saw a horse fucking a ghost.
He
saw three divers trapped in a fishtank.
He
saw one million magic tangerines compressed in a barrel.
And
he was impressed.
“Over
here, little boy”, said the old wise woman, and beckoned him
towards a towering fruit bowl. “Take this pineapple and stick your
dick in it, for only this can cure your boil.”
Percival
grabbed the pineapple and skipped gaily all the way home. Once
there, he raised the pineapple above his head and brought it hurtling
down on the boil. “Pop” went the pineapple. Almost at once, the
pain from the boil faded, but when he tried to remove the pineapple,
he found it was stuck.
“Help”,
said Percival, “My dick is stuck in this pineapple!”
“How
the fuck did that happen?” said Percival's father, charging into
the bathroom. Percival's father pulled with all his might, but the
pineapple would not move.
“I
have an idea” said Percival's mother. She took some twine from
under the sink and tied one end around the pineapple, then they tied
the other end to the handle of the bathroom door. But no matter how
much they slammed the door, the pineapple wouldn't budge.
“I'm
going to call the fire brigade!” said Percival's mother. When the
firemen arrived they measured the pineapple front to back and round
and round. Once they had assessed the situation they said “There's
no other way. We'll have to cut it off, and your dick too!”
Percival
was very sad, but his mother promised to buy him a lolly, so feeling
very brave he told the firemen it was okay.
The
firemen took their big cutting tool out of their fire engine and
placed it against Perical's
pineapple.
But when they turned it on, the cutter began to smoke and whine, and
no matter how hard they pressed it against the pineapple, it would
not cut.
The
firemen scratched their heads and wondered, until they got a call
about a fire and had to leave poor Percival's dick stuck inside the
pineapple.
Next
Percival's father said “I'm going to call the army!” who arrived
in a great big tank.
“Don't worry!” shouted the general.
“There's nothing that can withstand our bombs. So they attached a
big explosive to Percival's pineapple. “Kaboom!” went the bomb
as it exploded. But when the smoke cleared, although Percival's face
was all black and his clothes torn up, the pineapple was still there.
Seeing
it was no use, Percival's mother began to cry. “How can we send
Percival to school with a pineapple stuck on his dick?”
“Well
honey”, Percival's father said, “All we can do now is put our
faith in God that Percival's pineapple will some day be removed.”
“Let
us pray!” cried Percival's mother. And so Percival, and his mother
and father, and all the soldiers in their tank began to pray. God
heard them and soon an angel appeared, who said:
“If
you have something on your dick and you try to get it off by putting
something else on your dick, you will be damned. But if you put your
faith in God, you will be saved.” And just like that the pineapple
slid off Percival's dick.
And
so children, God speaks to us in many ways, even through genital
boils. What Percival learned was that when a woman asks you to
penetrate her fruit, it goes against God's will, and you should be
content with your painfully throbbing dick.
