THE
CATHOLIC DETECTIVE AGENCY
Copyright
2012 Paul Crowe, Johnny Morrice, Finlay Mackie
THE
CAST (in order of appearance)
PAUL
and JOHNNY are the Catholic Detectives.
CARDINAL
QUINTUS, their employer.
The
NARRATOR, who desperately seeks alternate employment.
A
NUN, interviewed at the crime scene.
A
tap dancing INTERPRETER.
A
DIRECTOR of pornographic films.
Their
BOSS, who does not speak.
DR.
ARIAS ODIO, palaeontologist of impure morals.
His
MINION.
The
ANTICHRIST, who hath taken the form of a bust of Charles Darwin.
CALLERS
#1, #2, #3, who complain to the Vatican help-line.
MITTS,
an imprisoned smoothie salesperson.
CRIBBENS,
a possessed ventriloquist's doll.
CORPORAL
CHRISTIE, prison warden.
SOLDIERS
#1, #2, #3, executioners with a passion for literary analysis.
SCENE
ZERO (PUBLIC VARIANT)
(Radio
static is heard. The radio is then tuned.)
JOHNNY
Hello
Paul!
PAUL
Hello
Johnny! Did you hear about the time-machine?
JOHNNY
No,
and I don't care to. I find science awfully dull.
PAUL
Well,
you might be interested to know that this machine was built solely
for research into sexual deviancy.
JOHNNY
I
am suddenly interested. You know, I'd always wondered if our
existence was the result of fornication in prior days.
PAUL
The
evidence gathered seems to have confirmed that theory. The only thing
which confused the researchers were all the illustrations of people
sleeping with dinosaurs. Even on tapestries from the middle ages.
JOHNNY
Dinosaurs?
That's very strange.
PAUL
And
nobody can explain why it was such a popular theme. Just think,
perhaps your great-great grandmother had a thing for Stegosauruses.
JOHNNY
Sleeping
with a Stegosaurus would be difficult and dangerous, but my family
have always had a lot of spine.
PAUL
Anyway,
I hope you've learned to take science rather more seriously.
JOHNNY
That
I have.
PAUL
Well,
what shall we do now?
JOHNNY
Start
a Catholic detective agency?
PAUL
Yes,
let's start a Catholic detective agency!
SCENE ONE
(In the office of
the Catholic Detective Agency.)
(Door opens)
CARDINAL
Pardon me, is this
the right place for the Catholic Detective Agency?
JOHNNY
It is!
CARDINAL
Ah good. I'm
Cardinal Sextus. The Vatican requires some people to solve a
Catholic crime and I have been sent to recruit your services.
PAUL
The Vatican? What's
the trouble?
CARDINAL
Well this morning at
6:04 his holiness passed away after his health was impaired by some
stairs he fell down at 6:03. We suspect the fall may not have been
accidental...
PAUL
Gasp!
JOHNNY
Gasp!
CARDINAL
Yes. And what is
worse, shortly afterwards a precious relic was stolen from the pope's
personal chambers. We need you to find out who took it, and return
it.
JOHNNY
What was this relic?
CARDINAL
That is what makes
your assignment top secret. It is a genuine part of the body of our
Lord Jesus Christ.
JOHNNY
Gasp!
PAUL
Gasp! Wait, which
body part can it be? Any fool knows that Jesus ascended physically
into Heaven.
CARDINAL
Well you see, not
all of him did. An unpublished fragment of one of the gospels
recounts that Saint Peter- the first Pope- was so distraught at
seeing his beloved saviour ascending that he lunged forwards and
clutched at Christ's vestments, begging him to stay. It was then that
something... came loose.
JOHNNY
I suppose that Jesus
had been dead for some time by then. Decomposition had probably left
him loose in the joints.
CARDINAL
So many scholars
believe. The text becomes difficult to decipher after this point, but
we are led to understand that at a height of about 15 feet, our
saviour's body was rent asunder and he continued ascending, albeit
much faster, and screaming.
PAUL
Poor Jesus. So what
part are we looking for? His leg?
CARDINAL
Nnnoo... It was what
you might call Christ's most 'earthly part'.
PAUL
Ah, so just his
foot?
CARDINAL
Not quite... It was
that which sows the seed… that which is most closely tied to the
affairs of ...mortal flesh.
PAUL
His... arm?
CARDINAL
No.
PAUL
His nose? No, his
beard!
JOHNNY
His ear!
CARDINAL
No! It was the part
all mortal men least desire to lose. The dispenser of life.
(The detectives
pause in thought.)
PAUL and JOHNNY
Ohhhhhh.
CARDINAL
Quite, quite. This
is all confidential you understand. Every pope who has ever been
appointed as God's representative on Earth has had the most sacred
Member of Christ affixed in place of his own. This sustains it until
Judgement Day, when we hope to present it back to our Lord and
receive his blessing for our tender devotion.
PAUL
My catholic
detective powers tell me that the penis must have been stolen in
between popes, when nobody was wearing it.
CARDINAL
Exactly. You must
get the Member of Christ back before it is too late to reattach it,
or else God's wrath will be most terrible.
JOHNNY
Like any father, I'm
sure God hates the idea of someone from the church mishandling his
son's genitals.
PAUL
My father was
certainly angry. No matter, we shall not fail our saviour!
CARDINAL
Excellent. You
should begin at the scene of the crime, in the Vatican. We have
spared no expense to ensure you get there quickly.
(A horse and
carriage are heard riding away. Music plays.)
SCENE TWO
(In the Vatican.
Sacred music and the ringing of bells are heard)
NARRATOR
Paul and Johnny rode
to Rome at a gallop, and despite a punctured horse, arrived
unfettered at the scene of the crime. I'm Jasmine Faller, your
narrator. If you enjoy my narration in this radio play, why not
consider me for some acting work? Observe my skills, as I take on the
role of a nun in this next scene...
(Holy music ends,
detective music begins)
PAUL
What’s
going on here, sister?
NUN
Nothing
at the moment.
PAUL
Nothing?
Then I’m afraid I must arrest you all for wasting police time. To
be precise, 2 months and 58 seconds.
NUN
We
called you here about the doing of the murder.
PAUL
I’m
sorry, we don’t do murders, we solve them.
NUN
Well
there’s been a murder here!
PAUL
Did
anybody see the murder happen?
NUN
No,
His Holiness was the only one present.
PAUL
Can
I speak to him?
NUN
No,
he died before you got here.
PAUL
So,
he died rather than risk telling us what he knew. Johnny, this may be
more serious than we thought!
NUN
We
think that the pope was pushed down the stairs as he went to
breakfast.
PAUL
And
how do you know this man was the Pope?
NUN
He
told us.
PAUL
And
why was he telling you such personal information? Were you
blackmailing him?
NUN
He
was elected pope by the College of Cardinals!
PAUL
Oh,
so you bullied him into the job? And what would you have done to him
if he refused the position as bishop of Rome?
JOHNNY
(interrupting)
It
is obvious that the suspect has escaped. We should look for clues.
PAUL
Later,
Johnny. I may be onto something here. So you all murdered the pope
because he wouldn’t play ball?
NUN
We
didn't murder the pope!
PAUL
Then
he must have killed himself as I first thought! Your holiness, I am
arresting you for the murder of yourself. You do not have to say
anything unless you wish to do so. If you do not have a medium, one
will be appointed to you.
JOHNNY
(demanding)
There's
a set of footprints leading out of the hall! This was clearly a
murder!
PAUL
Damn
it! But I’ve already read the pope his rights. (aside) I
can’t have another wrongful arrest complaint! We’ll have to kill
him!
JOHNNY
(exasperated)
The pope is already dead!
(He
trails off in exasperation)
PAUL
So
he died rather than tell us what he knew eh?
(A heavy object is
heard striking PAUL. He cries out in pain.)
JOHNNY
Look, not only are
there suspicion-flavoured footprints leading away from the pope's
body, but the culprit abandoned his disguise as he left!
(He
speaks deliberately.)
He murdered the
pope, took off his clothes, and fled the building.
PAUL
I'll consider the
theory. A wig... Swiss guard's outfit... and boots. Maybe this does
make sense. Do you notice anything missing?
JOHNNY
Yes- a pair of those
glasses with the plastic nose and moustache.
PAUL
Exactly. No assassin
capable of a job like this would forget something as vital as that.
And since there also aren't any gloves, the man we're looking for
clearly must have no face and no arms.
JOHNNY
But, why would a man
with no face and no arms steal the penis of the Son of God?
(Detective theme
music plays.)
PAUL
Who knows? Who
cares? Catholic criminals are sick, Johnny. We are their salvation.
JOHNNY
Time to clean out
the scum with holy-water.
PAUL
Time is running out
for this small fry!
JOHNNY
This fish won't
escape our net!
JOHNNY and PAUL
To the Internet!
PAUL
Search for “where
would an amputee put Christ's penis?”
JOHNNY
Right!
(Electronic computer
noises are heard)
JOHNNY
Aha! “HalosOff.com”,
the Internet's Only Deity Fetish Site'.
PAUL
Deity fetish site?
What's a fetish?
JOHNNY
A fetish is a little
religious idol with spiritual power.
PAUL
Oh, like Lourdes.
Perhaps these people took the penis to include among their relics.
JOHNNY
Well they won't have
it for long!
PAUL
Giddiup, whiskers!
(A horse neighs, and
the detectives gallop away. Musical bridge]
SCENE THREE
(Outside the door of
the HalosOff.com pornography studio.)
NARRATOR
With the address
written on the back of a communion wafer, the detectives rushed to
their first lead, a small warehouse located in the slum area of a
nearby continent...
(Musical bridge
ends. Street sounds.)
PAUL
Well, this looks
like the place.
(PAUL rings the
doorbell. The door opens, emanating the sound of sexual intercourse
and porn music from within)
JOHNNY
Pardon me, we're
from the Catholic -
INTERPRETER
Not interested.
(The INTERPRETER
slams the door, cutting off the sexy noises. The detectives pause in
thought, then ring the doorbell once more. The door is again
answered, and the porn sounds are heard as before.)
INTERPRETER
Didn't I tell you to
get lost?
PAUL
Now look here! I've
got to tell you something very important about the body of Jesus
Christ.
INTERPRETER
Can you hear that?
(He pauses, to
indicate the noise.)
Needless to say we
have little interest in your pamphlets, we're not donating any money,
and we find your oppressive attitudes to the human body most
disturbing. Now beat it!
PAUL
I don't understand.
I thought this was a place where religious relics were stored. Why
are you so hostile to a pair of Catholic detectives?
INTERPRETER
Religious relics?
Where do you think you are?
JOHNNY
At a multi-faith
worship site. We got that impression from the video titles on your
website.
INTERPRETER
What,
like 'Ganesh shows Venus his trunk has more
than one use’?
PAUL
We
didn't understand that one, but then again, we're not Hindus. I've
never heard of a religion where a deity was required to bend quite
like that though.
JOHNNY
It
was the same with ‘Krishna has his hands full with Allah’s 42
virgins’
INTERPRETER
Did
you actually watch any
of the clips? We don't exactly count as a religious organisation...
PAUL
We tried, but it's
difficult to watch a video on horseback. Oh I understand you're not
'religious' in the traditional sense- all this inter-faith coddling
is ridiculous if you ask me- but we can tell Catholicism is
represented.
JOHNNY
We
could tell by the title, ‘See
the Virgin Mary become just Mary thanks to Thor and Odin'. We thought
you captured the meekness of our Lord's mother perfectly by having
her discard her title in order to address the heathen gods.
INTERPRETER
She wasn't
addressing them, she was f-
JOHNNY
Enough talk! We're
here about your latest feature: 'Christ gives mortal girl a taste of
the second coming'. It seems awfully strange that you would depict a
girl rubbing Christ's penis for luck on the day that it goes missing.
INTERPRETER
Again, she wasn't
rubbing it for luck she was trying to bring it to orga-
JOHNNY
Well rubbing it to
cure her arthritis then, it doesn't matter. You are our number one
suspects and we demand to speak to whoever is in charge! We carry the
seal of the Vatican! We represent the authority of the pontiff!
(A record scratch is
heard. The porn sounds stop.)
DIRECTOR
(approaching)
CUT! You! You over
there! Don't talk about Catholicism in frunna the performers, I've
gotta shoot to finish. D'ya know how many of them are in this
industry because of Catholic upbringings and Roman hands? I'm
tryin' to coax a performance out of a room fulla suppressed memories
of winking priests, then you start sounding off about the
goddamn church! That is it! I've had it! [Fading out] I'll never work
with any of ya'll again!
INTERPRETER
Well that's just
great, you've cost us our director. You're in for it when the boss
gets here.
JOHNNY
I'll smooth
everything out. All it takes is a warm smile and firm handshake, and
I'm sure your boss will see sense.
INTERPRETER
That won't do you
any good. The boss can't see sense, or anything else for that matter
due to his distinct lack of face. And he can't shake any hands since
he hasn't got any arms either.
JOHNNY
(He narrates.)
Listeners, as I
heard the man describing his employer to me, I realised that the
account of him as a man with no face and no arms fitted extremely
well with the inferences we had made at the scene of the crime.
INTERPRETER
Ah, there you are
boss! These two morons are the ones who drove off our director!
PAUL
We're really very
sorry to interrupt your, erm, operation. All we wanted to do is ask
you a few questions.
(He is answered only
by awkward silence.)
JOHNNY
We were wondering if
there was somewhere private we could talk.
(The silence
continues)
JOHNNY
We could maybe have
a pub lunch?
INTERPRETER
Listen you muppets!
The boss don't eat pub lunches and the boss don't talk, on account of
his bodily handicap. He's taught himself to communicate through the
ancient interpretive art of tap-dancing. I'm his interpreter and my
job is to talk for him. So, what do you have to say?
PAUL
Very well. Could you
ask him where he was this morning?
(The INTERPRETER
performs a short tap dance. There is a pause before his BOSS returns
another dance.)
INTERPRETER
The Vatican. He was
there for a job interview.
PAUL
A job? In what
capacity?
INTERPRETER
The Pope's new
Leg-ate.
PAUL
So does he know
anything about a relic going missing from the Vatican that morning?
(The INTERPRETER and
his BOSS tap back and forth in conversation. Four burst are heard.)
INTERPRETER
He hasn't the
dickens.
JOHNNY
Well as of this
morning, neither does the pope!
(The BOSS taps.)
INTERPRETER
He wants to know if
you're talking about the Member of Christ.
JOHNNY
Tell him 'yes'.
(The INTERPRETER and
then his BOSS each tap.)
INTERPRETER
He says that's very
interesting news, but he had nothing to do with it. He wants to know
if you're aware what you've gotten yourself into.
JOHNNY
The assignment seems
simple enough to me. Somebody stole something, we get it back-
another case solved by Catholic detectives. Easy as taking
contraception from a third world nation.
INTERPRETER
I don't think you
understand. The Member of Christ has certain... special abilities
imbued in it. You are aware of course that the Penis of Christ allows
its wielder to perform Sinless Sexual Acts?
JOHNNY
Sinless sexual acts?
Imagine being able to have all the sex you wanted without breaking
the seventh commandment!
INTERPRETER
You're not the first
to imagine that. If news has broken that Mrs Christ's Best Friend is
up for the taking, then every kiddy-fidling, badger-shagging
adulterous pervert out there is desperate to have it for themselves.
Which is why you'll have to excuse us, but we have to join them. We
could do great things at this studio with such a powerful artefact.
PAUL
You won't get there
before we do!
JOHNNY
Yeah!
INTERPRETER
Ha! How can you
expect to beat a man who's nothing but legs?
PAUL
Alright, ten pounds
says we win.
INTERPRETER
Done!
JOHNNY
On your marks... get
set... Go!
(JOHNNY fires a
starting pistol. The pair run off.]
JOHNNY
We win!
INTERPRETER
Of course you won;
you shot him at the starting line!
PAUL
Ten pounds, please.
INTERPRETER
Bah! Haven't you
lost your only lead?
PAUL
No, we've got leads:
we're the main characters!
(The pun is followed
by a rimshot and bawdy 1970's laughter.)
SCENE 4
(In a cavernous tomb
beneath the Vatican. All sounds reverberate as if a large
subterranean chamber.)
(Music is heard
under the narration.)
NARRATOR
Though the search
for the penis had only begun that morning, Paul and Johnny already
had a stiff. They resolved to bury the legs in a tomb beneath the
Vatican. (aside) Did you enjoy my acting earlier? I'm also available
for singing work. (sings) Cruising down the river, on a Sunday
afternoon... (fades out)
(We fade into the
sound of DR. ODIO cumming.)
DR. ODIO
Oh my love. I know
you're older than I; but not too old. No, never too old. Who would
ever think that seven hundred years would be too old?
(He laughs
maniacally)
JOHNNY
(He shouts from
behind a sturdy vault door)
I say! Is there
somebody in there?
(There is a horrific
sound of bone crunching as DR. ODIO rises from a corpse. He is heard
fastening his trouser zipper. He pulls a slab over the grave.)
DR.ODIO
Why yes. A
scientific mission of cataloguing bones.
JOHNNY
We are Catholic
detectives, hot on the trail of the Christ's celestial penis!
DR. ODIO
Oh, I see. In that
case, come on in. I like to meet new people.
PAUL
We also came to bury
these legs. Do you happen to know anything about the dreaded Vatican
theft?
DR. ODIO
Well I might know
plenty. Tell me, are you death-deserving friends of the pontiff?
Would you, like vile putrid traitors to all that is decent, be
planning to return this relic to the Vatican, were you to be
successful?
PAUL
When you put it like
that, yes.
DR. ODIO
Well, now that I
know who you are, it is only fair to introduce myself. I am Doctor
Arias Odio, president of the Palaeontological Resurrection and
Badminton Social. If you want the most holy of penises, we have it!
We planned to smuggle it out through these tombs, but it has proved
difficult.
JOHNNY
Ah, is that why you
were rummaging around through these old sarcophagi?
DR. ODIO
Actually, no. I was
opening them to try out the sacred member's magical purity. I must
say it works extremely well. Normally I'd be filled with shame and
cloying disgust after ravaging Saint Ethelburga here, but my
conscience is remarkably clear.
PAUL
Well, for someone
who excavates bones, you certainly can't be trusted with a kokh!
(There is a dead
silence)
Erm, kokh is
a Hebrew word. It refers to an ancient type of Judeo-Christian
sarcophagus.
(More silence
follows, at length interrupted by a single, distant cough.)
It also sounds like
'cock'.
(The pun is followed
by laughter and applause from the studio audience.)
Thank you, thank
you. I knew you'd get there eventually.
JOHNNY
Enough of this
nonsense! We're on a mission from the Vatican. As long as that penis
is out of the hands of the church then we're no friends of yours.
DR. ODIO
Oh really? And what
if I show you this gun?
JOHNNY
Well, maybe we can
be acquaintances.
(DR. ODIO cocks
the gun.)
DR ODIO
What if I tell you
it's loaded?
JOHNNY
Well then I suppose
that makes us friends.
DR. ODIO
And if I point the
gun at your head?
JOHNNY
Why, I feel like a
brother to you!
(DR. ODIO fires his
revolver.)
DR. ODIO
Don't worry, it was
only a hollowpoint bullet for your hollow point of view. Now, hands
up both of you! We're taking the Penis of Jesus to my headquarters,
at the British Natural History museum!
(Linking music
plays)
SCENE FIVE
(In the foyer of the
British Museum.)
(The cast's
footsteps echo as in a large hall)
NARRATOR
I happen to know
that our heroes had never been too fond of museums, but with a gun at
their backs, and a large crate of sacred cock between their hands,
they were less hesitant about heading inside. They didn't even mind
being taken in through the gift shop.
(A till rings)
JOHNNY
(He narrates)
The museum was pitch
dark, except for a dim glow of candles which came from the exhibit
marked 'Cretaceous dinosaurs'. As we struggled inside with the crate,
I was puzzled at the supposed connection between the fictitious
animals fabricated by the left-wing media and the genitalia of our
lord and saviour.
DR. ODIO
I imagine you're
puzzled at the supposed connection between these fictitious animals
fabricated by our glorious left-wing media and the genitalia of our
lord and saviour.
JOHNNY
Mildly.
DR. ODIO
You'll know soon
enough. Put that crate down there.
(The box emits a
woody thump as it is laid on the chamber floor.)
DR. ODIO
I'm sure as good
Catholics you believe wholeheartedly that the earth was created 6000
years ago, and that these fossils are nothing but the devil's
trickery?
PAUL
Of course, only a
heretic would suggest otherwise.
DR. ODIO
Well I'm afraid it's
not quite true. Many of these fossils are genuine remains of
dinosaurs, but the eldest of them is merely 2000 years old, and most
are much more recent.
PAUL
You mean dinosaurs
aren't completely fabricated?
DR. ODIO
No, they are not.
Regardless, you will no doubt be familiar with the Tyrannosaurs Rex,
and how it captures the imagination of so many. One might be inclined
to ask how such a beast endless fascinates the world. The truth is,
its bewitching glamour is in fact divine in origin. It's ability to
captivate is entirely related to its pious significance.
JOHNNY
What?
DR. ODIO
Make no mistake
friends: Jesus Christ was the first Tyrannosaurs Rex to ever walk the
Earth!
(DUN DUN DUNN!)
PAUL
(He narrates.)
As the last notes of
the dramatic music faded, we realised that the edges of the darkened
exhibit were awash with activity. Men in the tweed jackets of
academia scurried back and forth in the shadows, setting up some kind
of dim structure. As we peered at them, one stepped forward...
MINION
Doctor Odio, we're
almost ready to begin.
DR. ODIO
Excellent, open the
crate!
(The crate is pried
open with the creak of splintering wood.)
PAUL
Good god! Look at
it! Can that veiny monster really have belonged to Jesus Christ?
DR. ODIO
Unveil the skeleton!
(A sheet is pulled
from the skeleton. A lightning storm is heard outside: supernatural
forces are at work.)
PAUL
What in the hell is
that?
DR. ODIO
That, my friends, is
a full-sized Tyrannosaur skeleton made out of communion wafers. My
friend Father Dickinson here is now performing a mass before it, thus
making it the actual body of Christ.
PAUL
But how did you get
so many communion wafers?
DR. ODIO
Why, we went to
ASDA: the Astral Sacred Divine Artefact superstore!
(He speaks over
cheesy advertisement music.)
Yes,
at ASDA you can find all the supernatural components you need for any
reality-altering ritual! Need some grounding in the astral
realm to summon Pan? This week only, 50% off all SOURCE-PANS.
JOHNNY
Blasphemy! You must
not conjure devils this way!
DR. ODIO
Oh we're not
conjuring devils. At the correct moment we will attach Christ's long
lost member, and he will incarnate fully, thus hastening the second
coming and judgement day!
MINION
We're ready, doctor!
DR. ODIO
Bring forth the
penis! Begin the tyran-substantiation!
PAUL
We must stop this!
Johnny, are you carrying those condoms we confiscated from that
sexual health clinic?
JOHNNY
Yes, but what good
are they to us?
PAUL
Grab one side and
stretch it like a windsock!
(The condom makes a
rubbery noise as they stretch it.)
Now: chaaaarge!
(PAUL and JOHNNY run
at the penis, screaming a battle-cry.)
DR. ODIO
What are you doing?
Don't let them put a condom on that penis! Condoms are the opposite
of Catholicism!
(Chaos and
confusion erupt as the condom strikes the sacred penis. The
Tyrannosaurus Rex roars. A series of explosions wrack the museum,
ending with an almighty deep boom. Fire is heard.)
DR. ODIO
You fools! You've
ruined everything!
PAUL
Johnny, where did
the penis go?
JOHNNY
I saw it fly over
this balcony into the evolution hall. It landed on a bust of Darwin.
PAUL
I can't see it.
JOHNNY
The bust, or the
penis?
PAUL
Neither.
(The
ANTICHRIST bellows a diabolical chant.)
NARRATOR
Dear
listeners, the figure which emerged chanting from below would haunt
our heroes until their dying day. It was a bronze bust of Darwin all
right, but the Member of Christ had somehow fused itself into the
great man's scalp, and the sculpture now slithered across the floor
on dozens of metallic cloven tentacles. Before they could react, it
skittered towards a window, maiming all the academics who tried to
stop it.
PAUL
Wait, Mr Darwin!
Come back!
ANTICHRIST
I am more than the
mortal of which you speak. I am the Antichrist! The bringer of
despair and destruction! You fools have delivered my perfect vessel.
Finally, as promised by fate, I! HAVE! RISEN!
(A thunderclap
immediately follows “RISEN”. Glass breaks as the monstrous form
of the ANTICHRIST walks through a window, to begin His conquest of
Earth.)
DR. ODIO
OH CONFOUND IT ALL
AND BLAST. You ignorant meddlers have attached the holy shaft of
Christ to the metallic bust of pure devilry! Darwin has returned, and
with his god-like powers he will no doubt continue his work of
deception and holocaust instigation!
(Dramatic link music
plays.)
SCENE SIX
(PAUL and JOHNNY
have returned to the Vatican to inform CARDINAL QUINTUS of the
disaster. Sacred music and lustrous bells ring out.)
NARRATOR
Paul and Johnny were
at a loss. Not only had they let the organ they were seeking
literally walk right out the door, but on it's way it had turned into
the catalyst for the apocalypse. In the end they decided to return to
Vatican city, hoping for some advice and spiritual strengthening.
(Holy music abruptly
stops.)
CARDINAL
MORONS! YOU ACTUALLY
TRIGGERED THE [beep] END OF TIMES! WHAT THE [beep] ARE YOU GOING TO
DO TO SORT THIS OUT?
JOHNNY
We were actually
hoping you could help us there.
CARDINAL
What do you want me
to do?
JOHNNY
We feel terrible
about how this turned out. We're looking for redemption... and
spiritual rehabilitation.
CARDINAL
Spiritual
rehabilitation? Spiritual rehabilitation is for gays and drug
addicts! This is a whole new level of offending god. You'd have to
fund and single-handedly build a whole cathedral to even APPROACH
Purgatory!
PAUL
Just tell us how to
start undoing the damage and we'll get right on it.
CARDINAL
You've done enough.
Both of you are off the case! I'm giving you both desk jobs answering
calls. Unsurprisingly we've been getting a lot of them since the son
of Satan manifested as Darwin with a reptilian cock on its head.
JOHNNY
But-
CARDINAL
Leave now!
SCENE SEVEN
(Phones ring in the
busy Vatican call centre as nuns respond to worried Catholics from
afar.)
PAUL
(He narrates)
And that's how we
wound up sitting among 200 nuns in the Vatican call centre, listening
to the damage being done by Darwin, but unable to act.
JOHNNY
(He narrates)
It was terrible to
hear. Many of the callers were hysterical and incoherent.
PAUL
Hello, Vatican
helpline, how can I assist you?
CALLER #1
Darwin raped my
poodle!
PAUL
Well I'm afraid
that's not really our jurisdiction. Have you tried calling a vet?
CALLER #1
But he was chanting
in Latin about tearing down the house of God!
PAUL
Mm. I'm afraid it's
still nothing to do with us; animals don't have souls.
(He puts down the
receiver. Another phone rings and JOHNNY picks up.)
JOHNNY
Hello, Vatican
helpline, how can I assist you?
CALLER #2
Hello, I want to
speak to your manager.
JOHNNY
I'm afraid Sister
Madeline is on the other side of the room at the moment, is there
anything I can help you with?
CALLER #2
Well I very much
doubt it. I have been a devout Catholic for all forty eight years of
my life; making donations to the collection plate, obeying the
commandments, and yet what do I see when I look out of my
conservatory window? The Antichrist dismembering MY children!
JOHNNY
Well I'm very sorry
to hear-
CALLER #2
Now I would expect
at the very least you'd have a safeguards in place for your more
loyal churchgoers, but I don't see any sign of- Aw! He's pulled
Timothy's head off! How do I go about claiming a refund on my tithes?
JOHNNY
We don't have a
refund policy...
CALLER #2
No, you listen to
me. This is ridiculous. I'm watching the harbinger of Armageddon set
up a game of swing-ball with my only son's entrails- a son,
incidentally, I would not have had if it weren't for the church's
stance on contraception. I was acting on the understanding that my
son was a blessing from God, and would have some kind of protection
from being eviscerated at a later date by a rather phallic-looking
Antichrist
JOHNNY
What I can offer you
is our one-day absolution special. All sins forgiven, in light of the
circumstances. How does that sound, sir?
CALLER #2
Well-
(A window is heard
breaking on the other end of the line, accompanied by screaming. The
ANTICHRIST is heard chanting.)
This really is
unacceptable-
(The phone goes
dead. Immediately PAUL picks up another phone.)
PAUL
Hello, Vatican
helpline, how may I assist you?
CALLER #3
Hello there!
(He barely
suppresses his laugher.)
This is the Reverend
James from the Norfolk Baptist Church. My parishioners and I were
just wondering how everything was going for you there in Rome?
(His parishioners
snigger down the line/)
PAUL
Well we are busy, I
mu-.
CALLER #3
I'll bet you are,
I'll bet you are. Couldn't help but hear that you've summoned the
Antichrist!
(The parishioners
snigger again. He shushes the parishioners.)
PAUL
Look, is this a
prank call? We've very overworked.
CALLER #3
No, no. We just
wanted to know how you're feeling about this whole 'papist' thing
right now. How's that whole Catholic dogma thing working out, no
major problems I presume?
(He laughs.)
PAUL
Look, I don't have
time for this protestant gloating. Yes, I probably could have done
things diffe-
CALLER #3
Oh, so it was you?
Oh this is just amazing! Was it intentional? Part of that papal
infallibility thing?
PAUL
This really isn't
the time!
CALLER #3
Oh come on now! I'm
being sincere.
PAUL
I can hear laughter.
I can actually hear you laughing, all of you. You're not even trying
to hide i-
CALLER #3
Not at all, there's
nobody else here.
(Again he shushes
the parishioners and tries
to compose his voice while speaking.)
But-
(Immediately he and
his friends snigger and then spiral into fits of laughter.)
PAUL
Martin Luther loving
arseholes! I... You just wai- Arg damn and blast!
(He slams down the
phone.)
I have had enough!
Come on Johnny, we're dealing with this ourselves!
(CARDINAL QUINTUS
opens a door.)
CARDINAL
Oh no you're not!
JOHNNY and PAUL
together
Cardinal!?
CARDINAL
Dr Odio of the
Palaeontologists society has just admitted that you two put him up to
both the assassination and the theft. I'm placing you under Catholic
arrest!
JOHNNY
What? Lies!
Cardinal, we've been framed!
('Epic Unease'
plays.)
SCENE EIGHT
(PAUL, JOHNNY and
DR. ODIO are imprisoned within a dank Vatican jail.)
NARRATOR
This then is the
situation: Johnny and Paul languish in a cell beneath the Vatican,
framed for the theft of Christ's penis. Alongside them is the fiend
palaeontologist Dr Odio, who, having had his schemes thwarted by our
heroes, has realised that the Vatican is the safest place to be now
that the Antichrist has risen.
PAUL
Damn you, Dr Odio!
We could have destroyed the Antichrist if you hadn't interfered!
DR. ODIO
No, you couldn't.
There's only one way to destroy the Antichrist, but it's impossible
for any of us to accomplish. You'd have to gather up the modern day
descendants of Christ, for only they can defeat him.
JOHNNY
(He is pained.)
Oh god, not a Da
Vinci Code plot twist!
DR. ODIO
Yes, but this twist
has a twist! You remember I told you the dinosaurs in the British
museum were less than 2000 years old?
NARRATOR
Paul and Johnny
remember, but do you remember?
DR. ODIO
That's because they
are the deceased members of Christ's bloodline. All who trace their
lineage to Christ's scaly loins are born as dinosaurs themselves.
Many of history's great figures made their impact due to their divine
bloodline.
PAUL
A divine bloodline
which turned people into dinosaurs in the womb? Which historical
people are you talking about?
DR. ODIO
Oscar Wilde was a
triceratops. That's all I'm permitted to reveal.
JOHNNY
The horny devil.
DR. ODIO
Only with the power
of a dinosaur militia can you hope to stop the dark one's plan. There
is a record deep in the inner chambers of the Vatican of the
activities of every direct son and daughter of Christ. Obviously,
however many of the older descendants of Christ have been dead for
years and many of their bodies have been misplaced by rogue
archaeologists and clumsy museum curators.
PAUL
So you're saying we
know where they were but not where they “are”?
DR. ODIO
Precisely.
JOHNNY
If those are the
facts, then I have a plan! We must find that lost time traveller,
recover the time machine, collect the descendants of Christ and form
a vanguard! I have faith that all we need to do is get those records
and-
MITTS
A nice thought...
but I'm afraid you have some more pressing matters to attend to...
PAUL
And what pray tell
are those, you interrupting stranger?
MITTS
They're going to
shoot you.
JOHNNY
(He is astounded.)
What?
MITTS
I heard them
talking. They think that you took the penis in order to deliberately
raise the Antichrist They're going to shoot you as devil worshippers.
DR. ODIO
I didn't know they'd
do this! I didn't know they could do this!
MITTS
When nobody could
stop the Antichrist, all world governments turned their power over to
the Vatican. They've authorised the death penalty for anything
remotely satanic, and that includes us.
PAUL
Why you? Who are
you?
MITTS
I'm Mitts. I used to
stand outside a smoothie shop in a costume and entice people inside.
If you look closely, you might be able to see that I'm dressed as a
tangerine at this very moment.
PAUL
I hadn't noticed,
but I'll take your word for it. What did you do?
MITTS
I murdered my
children.
(There is an awkward
silence.)
JOHNNY
Oh... I thought you
were going to say something amusing.
MITTS
Nope. Killed 'em.
Killed 'em all. Why would you think I'd say anything funny?
This is prison fellas, it's deadly serious- just ask Cribbens; the
talking puppet in cell 3.
CRIBBENS
Why, hello there
friends!
PAUL
Why'd they nab you,
Cribbens?
CRIBBENS
Why do you think?
I'm a possessed children's toy. If I can't make bail, they're going
to exorcise me. In the meantime I'm stuck in a cell which smells
like a farmyard because my cell mate just so happens to be a
hippopotamus.
PAUL
What
did a hippo do to offend the Vatican?
MITTS
Nothing
really, but when a guy sodomised him, they sentenced him to death.
Leviticus 20:16.
PAUL
Now
you know me, Johnny, I play by the rules.
JOHNNY
We
are the rules, Paul.
PAUL
But
we can't stop the Antichrist in here. We need to escape.
JOHNNY
A tunnel is probably
our best chance... but that would mean these mad perverts could
follow us out!
PAUL
Not if we dig a
tunnel which leads back here!
JOHNNY
Then we'd have them
cornered!
(They dig a tunnel
out of their cell. Their digging becomes faster as they get further
distant, and slower again as they dig back to the cell. They burst
through in a shower of bricks.)
PAUL
Ah, it's good to see
the old place again. Oh warden, nice to see you.
CORP. CHRISTIE
(He speaks with a
warm, friendly voice.)
Hello lads, nice to
see you too. I'm afraid you've missed the H wing disco. Luckily
you're just in time for these...
(With two smacks, he
knocks JOHNNY and PAUL to the ground. They land with twos thumps and
both yell in agony.)
CORP. CHRISTIE
(Now speaking with a
harsh militaristic tone.)
Right, my name is
Corporal Christie and I've been given the job of taking you to be
shot. Just step onto this conveyor belt and it'll take you through
the automatic Confession & Last Rites machine.
(The machine whirs,
bubbles and splashes as it forgives JOHNNY and PAUL. They mumble in
confusion.)
PAUL
Wait, you're making
a mistake! We're innocent!
CORP. CHRISTIE
Well you are now.
So get out into the yard and get against that wall!
(CORP. CHRISTIE
pushes PAUL and JOHNNY through a door and into the courtyard. They
protest indistinctly.)
PAUL
You can't do this!
CORP. CHRISTIE
Yes we can, just
watch! Now, any last words?
JOHNNY
I have something to
say.
(He delivers the
following poem over an instrumental arrangement of “Amazing
Grace”.)
O' executioners,
stay thy rifles,
Allow we humble
detectives a prayer, for trifles
Like this daemonic
uprising,
Though ethically
unappetising,
Are not so grim that
you should worry,
Truly we are sorry.
We didn't mean to
raise the Antichrist,
And while it would
be a noble death, to be gallantly iced
By your bullets,
Killing us would be
foolish.
We won't do it
again,
So why don't we call
this ruddy shooting off, eh?
Amen.
CORP. CHRISTIE
(He cries and
sniffs.)
That... that was
really beautiful. What did you think lads?
SOLDIER #1
Very touching,
especially the symbolism in the second stanza.
SOLDIER #2
What was the last
guy's poem called?... Was he the one who wrote “Skin, Lust and
Petrol Bombs”?
SOLDIER #1
He was a realist.
Very stark imagery.
CORP. CHRISTIE
Gentlemen, I
appreciate your enthusiasm for the spoken word, but we do have a job
to do. Ready your arms men. For Christ and all-encompassing love,
prepare to fire.
SOLDIER #1
(ignoring the order)
Realism is all fine
and well but for me, but execution poetry will never be greater than
it was in the winter of '86. The greats, like when the serial killer
Grant Coulter presented his Dadaist masterwork, “I Never Done It,
Don't Shoot Me You Bastards”.
CORP CHRISTIE
Lads really, enough
of the talk-
SOLDIER #1
Yes sir, I know sir,
but- I was just a private back then, but I tell you I went into the
firing squad next day with a new approach to my career.
SOLDIER #3
(He speaks with an
unusually posh accent.)
If I might also
include a point, sir. I know we've got a job to do, but I've always
found modernism to be piquant of a simpler life in the 20th
century. It's ironic for me, finding a romantic nostalgia in an
ideology that is austere and simple in comparison with my own.
(A distant roar
booms over the prison. The ANTICHRIST approaches.)
CORP. CHRISTIE
Fackin' 'ell, it's
the Antichrist! We have a job to do men, we must cont-
SOLDIER #1
Well, after all,
what is the function of poetry other than the baring of the soul?
(The ANTICHRIST
roars again, as He tears the prison apart. Mass-destruction is heard
all around. A siren wails.)
CORP. CHRISTIE
Men, the time is at
hand! Ready your-
SOLDIER #2
My opinion is that
the romantic view does not reflect the true structure of discourse;
indeed the hermeneutic point of view is that poetry reveals the world
to the reader. Removing the scales from our eyes, as it were.
DR. ODIO
Speaking of scales,
it would appear that the squamous monstrosity of the Antichrist has
torn apart the prison and shall imminently devour our souls. Would
you please shoot us?
(People scream and
gas mains explode as the Antichrist continues His rampage.)
SOLDIER #1
No, no, no...
hermeneutics doesn't put enough emphasis on Being. I turn to the
later Heidegger when dealing with romanticism, as very dramatic poems
tend to place a great deal of focus on the poet themselves.
CORP. CHRISTIE
SHOOT NOW, YOU
INSOLE-
(There is a deep
rumbling boom, as the ANTICHRIST triggers an earthquake.)
CRIBBENS
I'm free! I'm free!
Hey fellas, how are you enjoying the earthquake? Pretty deep
fault-line huh?
JOHNNY
It's a holy
war.
PAUL
The fissure! It's
our chance for escape! I'll leave you gentlemen to your debate!
JOHNNY
But wait, Paul!
Won't jumping into that precipice trap us in The Centre Of The Earth?
DR. ODIO
Listen, if you want
to stop the Antichrist, a relic of equal power awaits us at The
Centre Of The Earth: in the deepest circle of Hell lie the Balls of
Satan!
(DUN DUN DUNNNN!)
See you in hell if
you want to live! FOR PALEOTONTOLOGY!
(He jumps, while
screaming in a very silly manner.)
PAUL
We must keep an eye
on Doctor Odio. Remember what blasphemy he attempted with Christ's
penis! After him!
(They jump into the
pit, screaming in their descent. Dramatic music ('Clenched Teeth')
plays under the following narration.)
NARRATOR
Can Paul and Johnny
make it to The Centre Of The Earth? What evil powers are bubbling and
frothing in the Balls of Satan? And what of the missing
time-machine? Find out next time, in part two of... THE CATHOLIC
DETECTIVE AGENCY!
(Spazzmatica
Polka is played)
NARRATOR
This has been part
one of the Catholic Detective Agency, written and performed by
Paul
Crowe
Johnny Morrice
Finlay Mackie
Also
starring:
David Baskett
And me, Jasmine
Faller. Do you need a narrator for your production? Or perhaps you
suffer from mental, physical, or spiritual pain? As well being a
fully trained narrator, I'm a qualified psychiatrist, masseuse, and
Raikei healer.
END
